On the show, she had made the statement "Jesus wrecked her life."
Huge.
This Jesus, who loves us so. Who sacrificed all for us, who gives all for us? He wrecks life? And she went on to talk about how her life was supposed to be the comfy American norm. Middle class family, limited financial worries, a yellow convertible, college, marriage to the big man on campus and life in suburbia. But God molded her heart to another life, the life following Him. This Jesus life of Katie Davis looked like this- a resident of Uganda, in a small modest home, with 13 little children that called her mommy. And not just a mommy to 13, but a single mommy to 13.
And I've been thinking and convicted and wrestling. Has Jesus wrecked my life? Really, where are my sacrifices? I'm living this gift of a farm dream. I have a cow, and a great husband and 3 darling children. We have more than most and seem to be comfortable, using the perspective of the world. Am I doing enough? Are we doing enough? Not everyone is called to drop the life, and go live in Uganda, I get that, but where is my sacrifice?
To find it I had to delve into a place I don't like to visit very often. The most selfish of self centered places in my heart. It's an ugly place, a place where its all about me. Where I'm the only one served, and where nothing but regret and regression flow out of. So I visited that place, only for a short while, and I got to see what my life without Jesus would be like. First of all, I would love a career. I would love a job that I could pour myself into that I was great at, all by myself, no Jesus needed. I could feel like a winner instead of a failure every night that I hit the sheets. I would love to buy things for myself daily, go shopping just for the fun of it. Browse stores and stock up on things that a family doesn't need but that I really want. Like yarn, and fabric, and crafty stuff. And I want a wardrobe of clothes that consists of more than 4 intermittent outfits, and more than 1 pair of shoes. I want a brand new pair of comfy socks to wear every day, and gobs and gobs of granny underwear. I want someone to come and clean my house daily for me, cook all the meals and yes, the most important, do my laundry, including putting it away!!!
And I have to stop there, because it makes me almost throw up in my mouth. As I went through these things, these things that may seem normal to some, and definitely ok to some, they were just not what Jesus had called my life to.
But what had Jesus called my life to? And it was then I saw, how he had wrecked my life.
My day consists of chores with animals, big and small because it is what my children thrive on. They all have hearts for animals, they're passion is animals, and because of the fostering and farming, we have quite a few. Morning chores alone is a quiet time for me, and has become a gift. Through picking up pee and poop from a variety of living creatures, burning incense and lighting candles constantly to remove the stink from my house, and feeding and watering the living beings we are responsible for, I have a quiet time. A quiet time to myself, a productive time, doing something meaningful.
And then the shift of the day goes to planning. Sometimes a shower gets thrown in there, but its very unpredictable. The planning of school, the planning of meals, the planing of spirits and souls under my wing. Planning chores, and lunches, menu plans and grocery lists, needs and wants lists. And then it all goes on the board in the big kitchen.
The day truly begins as little ones emerge from beds and want nothing more to do than feed their own selfish sinful desires. They want what they want, they want to do what they want to do, and then for the next 12 hours, I wrestle with flesh and grace. I inhale grace, I absorb grace, I survive on it, but exhaling it and letting it seep from my pores to these little ones is a fleshy challenge.
Truly, truly, I realized that Jesus had wrecked my life, when I remembered the anticipation the day before, of beginning to make dinner. I was attempting Chinese. I had scoured recipes, found my ingredients, and I couldn't wait to cook up this meal and feed my family, nourish them with something delicious. . I remember looking at the clock constantly thinking- "Is it time? Is it time to start dinner?" It was the high point of my day. I repeat, the HIGH point of my day, the thing I could only mutter out of my mouth to Doug was the dinner that we were going to have that night.
This is my life.
There are small moments like these, where I can slip away and write, mostly in a journal, sometimes only in my head. But the rest of my day is serving these little souls He's given me, and the one big soul called Doug that I am intertwined with. It is serving, not selfing. The small moments to myself are gifts, and they always come when most needed. I don't have to force some "me time", I don't have to FIND the quiet time. It just comes naturally in the ebb and flow of this life. But every other moment is about them, or someone else. And the joy that comes from this.....
Not the horizontal joy that causes belly laughs, and pained cheeks from smiling. Its the guttural joy, the "Joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart" joy. Yes, it exists. And its only found when self is put aside. My heart, my spirit, my soul, are overflowed with joy. It may not appear that way when you see the frustration in my jaw, or the tears crawling down my face, but the joy is still there. It is a permanent joy, not up and down joy. It is here to stay.
So yes, I do believe that Jesus has wrecked my life,
and I wouldn't have my life any other way.
Heres a picture of my precious angels posing for a picture together Joy Filled Life
No comments:
Post a Comment